The Complexity of Attraction

Can we really get to choose who to be attracted with? What makes attraction so complex? | Photo by Anderson Cavalera on Pexels

Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to certain people and not to others? Perhaps, physical attraction is overrated when seeking long term sustainability.

When you feel attracted to someone, you are consumed with a lot of emotions. The thought of these individuals may even cause many sleepless nights. You feel a strong desire to be with them under any circumstance.

Your heart may begin racing just at the thought of them. With all these emotions you feel, have you ever dissected the root cause behind such attraction?

Many people are puzzled by the concept of attraction. Love, infatuation, romantic relationships — these are complicated things mostly because human beings are complicated creatures.

A Brain’s Chemistry of Emotion

Attraction is most suitably associated with the brain’s chemistry of emotion. It is one of the three chemistry of emotions related to love; the other two are lust and attachment.

Initially, attraction is complex in a sense that it involves hormones which essentially determine who you will be attracted with. This may not sound appealing to some. To determine if a person is attractive is also related to sexual attraction.

Studies state that if a man has a high level of testosterone, to attract a woman is easy. Men who have deep voices are said to be more attractive to women who are ovulating. However, this happens unconsciously and many still suggest that this is not the case for everyone.

During attraction, your brain produces a combination of serotonin and dopamine. These chemicals are responsible for your powerful feeling of elation. The disturbance in sleep caused by thinking and longing for that person is associated with the hormone norepinephrine.

Mere Exposure Effect

There is this phenomenon we call the ‘Mere Exposure Effect’. People tend to react more favorably over things they had more interactions or exposure with. Sometimes, people deny this because the process happens to them unconsciously.

This phenomenon is best seen in the relationship between celebrities and their fans. Wonder why there are people who consider themselves die-hard fans of a certain celebrity? By constantly seeing their favorite celebrity on TV or online, their attraction grows even further.

What is attraction in love?

This principle might help shed light. It was proven that people also feel fondness over people they interact with often. Frequent eye contact also helps the romantic attraction to grow because it entails focus. The more you cross paths with someone, the more you crave to be with them.

Familiarity and Similarity

You may have heard of couples who were childhood friends, separated paths, then reunite later in life. Familiarity plays a big role in who you are attracted to.

There is a study that states childhood memories play a vital role in finding someone we’re attracted to. According to Dr. Michele Kirulis, a professor of counseling, “our patterns of experiences in life go back to early childhood”. We are prone to dating women or men with certain traits or attributes (e.g tall, smart, funny). Usually these were the traits we loved earlier in our life.

“Looking back at what kind of people were around us and what kind of people we saw in favorable light, we tend to be attracted towards people who can replicate those experiences of feelings,” stated Dr. Kirulis.

Apart from your childhood, you tend to form an attraction to people who displayed similar attributes. They may have made you feel the same feeling you had when you were younger or much earlier in life. Having the same beliefs, values, and culture were found to cause attraction in early life.

Universally Attractive Traits for Women

Men pay more attention to physical attributes than women. They tend to look more at physical attributes when dating women which some ladies find undesirable. Though this also is what attracts a woman to a man at first sight, physical attraction is not everything for them.

Success with women depends heavily on exhibiting traits that women find attractive. This can be words, body language or any other aspect of communication. Before you begin to meet women, you may consider spending time to learn how to attract them.

Often men build sexual tension during interactions with women. However, taking the interaction to sexuality with women will require establishing rapport. Discussing your sexual interests out of nowhere will likely end the interaction badly.

For those who wonder what traits attract a woman, listed below are the certain ones to take note of:

• Good Manners — A decent woman prefers a man with good manners to a man with just his face to show off. Nobody wants to be with a man who’s disrespectful and lacks gratitude. Always exhibiting basic politeness will make you a better man. A man with good manners gives them a guarantee that they will be in good hands.
• Leader Material — A man with initiative turns on women who are seeking long-term relationships. Show women that you are capable of leading your life, have a sense of direction, and have solid goals. Attracting women to be your lifetime partner is easier if you know how to take charge of your life. However, this man has to distinguish being a leader from being a controller.
• Good Communicator — Women are easily attracted to men who are able to enjoy a good conversation. A man who’s able to communicate his emotions will do well for the both of them. Being a good communicator also involves being a good listener. Thus, listening attentively is also as important.
• Stability in Life — This is about being able to support the needs of your future family. This does not mean that women are only looking for wealthy men. They only want assurance that they are not set to a life full of debt and hardships.
• Humor — Women love men with a sense of humor. In fact, humor ranks higher for attraction than just good looks. After all, physical attributes fade in time but a good sense of humor never gets old. A good laugh even when times get rough is what women want in lasting relationships.